A Moment of Transparency

There was a time in life when I was really good at hiding things. I could be in the darkest place spiritually, but on the outside everything would look great. I would write songs that would be crying for help, but I guess no one actually listened to the lyrics, because looking back on them, I was desperate.

Thankfully I have had a few close friends in life that I have been completely transparent with, and these guys truly know me. I’ve written before on the importance of community (see “From Coke to Coffee”) and these are the men in my life that have walked step by step with me.

However, now I am far from all of these friends. I am living in Georgia by myself. My family is all in Texas, and my closest friends are in Texas and Kentucky. I do have my pastor who is a good friend, but do to the nature of our work relationship we just don’t talk about certain things.

Here I am being open and honest. This isn’t a blog that is a cry for help, or a cry for sympathy… it is just me trying to be transparent and human. I don’t want to fool the world. I don’t want to fool those around me. I want people to know my heart.

Here’s my heart on my sleeve…

I’m extremely discouraged right now. I feel like I’m failing at “ministry.” I want to give up on my “philosophy of ministry” and pursue something with immediate success. I’m wrestling with whether or not I am doing an injustice to the church by not appealing to the emotions and senses of this youth generation to” get them in the door.”

This youth ministry started out with a boost in numbers, which, even though I said was not my concern, was actually really encouraging to both the church and me. Then some of my youth started asking great questions about the Bible and this was also encouraging. But now the numbers are on the decline and the questions have ceased.

Am I fooling myself into thinking that my youth are growing spiritually? Is spiritual growth a false security to make me at ease with the numbers declining?

What about my friends’ youth ministries that are exploding? Are they seeking after God more than me? Maybe that’s why God is honoring their youth ministries? Is my own spiritual bankruptcy robbing the church of a better youth ministry?

I know that God can speak through the most incapable of people, and I know that God will lead people to a saving knowledge of him with or without us. But I also know that God honors those who honor him, and that he blesses our preparation.

What will happen when the church evaluates me? What tangible thing will they hold onto to decide whether or not I am doing my job? Will it be based on how effective of a trip planner I am? Will it be based on how many kids have been baptized? Will it be based on how much numerical growth the youth group has experienced? Will it be based on how much knowledge my youth have of the Bible? What will they use to evaluate how good of a job I am doing?

So what am I in this for? For the numbers? For the questions? For the number of kids getting baptized? Or for God’s glory? I pray that I would not take my focus off of God’s glory, but I battle with this on a daily basis.

I am honestly not looking for you to encourage me or tell me that things will be okay or to tell me that I’m doing a good job and to keep up the work. But I am asking for your prayers. Please pray for me and pray for my youth.

So if you’re one of the many that has asked me “are you doing okay?”, and I haven’t had a chance to actually have a deep conversation with you… then here’s the answer… no, I’m not doing okay. But I’ve been here before, and I’ll climb out again.